lip service

I don’t like kissing. I think it’s kind of disgusting. I have a perfectly healthy sexual appetite, and I like sex, but I find it hard to get anywhere because kissing is kind of a gateway to everything else. What should I do? And please don’t tell me “Just be honest with the person you’re interested in,” because I’ve tried that, and believe me, when you tell a person you’ve got this little problem, and assure them it’s got nothing to do with them personally, the first think they think is “He’s saying I’m gross” and it’s all over.

—Kiss Off

The Straight Skinny: You won’t want to hear this, but you already know the answer: just be honest. And wade through all the dates who are wigged out, until eventually you find someone who realizes that we all have different needs and desires and compulsions. And, of course, be honest with yourself, because maybe your revulsion is trying to tell you something about what you really want.

Dining Out says: In the film Pretty Woman, the subject of kissing comes up a great deal. According to Julia Roberts’s character (she plays a modern day courtesan) kissing in her field of work is not allowed. It is considered to be an even greater act of intimacy than sex! Many people outside of Hollywood also believe that kissing is even more intimate than sex. The first kiss can be so powerful or powerless that it can make or break a relationship. Therefore, according to Hollywood (and real life) you have some sort of intimacy issue. You’re either going to have to look for a serious romantic partner who doesn’t like kissing or you can try to find a counselor or sex therapist to help you sort out your issue.

The Practical Cogitator says: In the movie Pretty Woman, the prostitutes had a rule: “No Kissing.” That way they wouldn’t fall for their Johns. Kissing is too tender, and can open up an emotional can of worms. Now you claim that you have a healthy sexual appetite, but how about the capacity for emotional involvement? Since kissing is the “gateway” for most people, maybe you just haven’t found the right person that you’d like to kiss. Keep looking.

The Fonz says: Like I told those nerds Potsie and Ralph Malph, you gotta do your lip-ups. Find a sturdy pinball machine like the one we had at Arnold’s, or, since pinball machines are as hard to find as telephone booths these days, just use the refrigerator. Lean into the fridge with your hands at your sides, supporting yourself by pressing your lips against the door. Then, pucker. Release. Pucker. Release. One, two, three, four. Lip-ups. Aaaaaaaay!

baby, you can drive my car

My girlfriend has a niece who could really use a car for work, and we’ve got an extra one on the road that I’d like to let her use. She can’t afford to buy it, but that’s not big deal—we’d just let her have it. She seems like a decent driver, too, so we don’t mind keeping up the insurance.

Here’s the problem: Her father, my girlfriend’s brother-in-law, thinks it’s a bad idea. He’d prefer that she save money to buy a car for herself, rather than be given one for nothing. I don’t want to argue with him, but it seems to me she could save money a lot faster at her crappy restaurant job if she could take more shifts, which the use of her car would let her do.

She’s 20 years old, so it’s not like she (or we) need her father’s permission. What do you think?

—The Enabler

The Straight Skinny: Can she “borrow” the car? A month at a time, with the understanding that if she wants a car for real, she’ll try to save money for it?

The Practical Cogitator says: I think you need to defer to her parents. Yes, the niece is 20, but clearly she is not fully independent as of yet. Her father, your girl friend’s brother in law (this relationship sounds more distant the more I think about it) thinks this is a bad idea, yet you are still trying to find a way around him. Her father wants to teach his daughter a lesson that will serve her well in life. I’m sure she can take a bus or carpool with a co-worker until she figures it out.

Or, perhaps you could work out an arrangement with her that would satisfy her father’s desired lesson of responsibility, compensation and fiscal management. Maybe she can clean your house, weed your garden or do your shopping each week in exchange for the use of the car. That way she is earning the right to use the vehicle. And you might just find that this 20 year old isn’t willing to spend her time earning that right. Her father may be on to something.

Strictly Classified says: Father knows best.

The Backroom Guy says: Agree on a small price for the car and have her pay you on a monthly basis. Then secretly use the money to pay for the insurance.

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