the freshman

My girlfriend and I are born again Christians. We’ve been dating since we were 14 years old, and we pledged to keep our virginity until we marry. Originally, we were going to get married this summer, since we both just graduated from high school. But then she told me that God was speaking to her, and telling her to go to college first. After a lot of prayer, I agreed that it would be a righteous decision, and we both got accepted to Bob Jones University, in Greenville, South Carolina—the buckle on the Bible Belt. It’s a great Christian school.

Then, at the last minute, she tells me that she’s decided instead to attend the University of Georgia, Athens. I never even applied there, and she never told me she was applying there. “It’s less than two hours away from Greenville,” she says, “and my heart is telling me that being apart will be good for us. It will be a test, like Jesus in the desert.”

I’ve struggled with this, prayed, and finally discovered that UG Athens is one of the biggest party schools in the country. There are many parties that serve alcohol, and many clubs that promote unwholesome rock and rap music. We’re starting school this week, and I’m worried for our relationship—not to mention her eternal soul.

I am writing to the experts at your paper, since you seem so comfortable with vice, and because God told me to. Is my girlfriend bound for eternal damnation, or is it possible she will be able to withstand the temptations of the flesh? I intend to drive down to Athens to see her this weekend, as soon as she tells me where she’s living there. She was getting a new cell phone number, and I don’t have it yet.

—Righteous One

The Omniscient One says: There are always going to be problems when people stop thinking for themselves and instead choose to obey the “voices” in their head. The serial killer Son of Sam, you may recall, was commanded to kill by a demon who possessed his neighbor’s dog. The “Yorkshire Ripper” in England murdered 13 women and claimed God told him to do it. Several pro-life murderers also claim God instructed them to murder. So whether you’re hearing demons or the “voice of God” the best advice is probably to ignore them. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, said her heart is telling her to go to a party school, so she’s in better shape than you, who wrote to Artvoice because God told you to. Please stay away from our office.

The Practical Cogitator says: So, God is telling you to consult with a left wing Alternative paper? The same God who told your girlfriend to wait, then wait longer, to sneak off to a party school and get a brand new cell phone number. Boy, I don’t think you are listening closely enough. It sounds as though your girlfriend has just F’ed you after all. Go to school in Greenville and learn, boy.

The Back Room Guy says: Whoa, just had a thought; what if it’s not God talking to her but the devil instead!? Tempting her to go to an evil party and sex school. This seems like the only rational explanation. Time for an exorcism. Wait, her name isn’t Emily Rose is it?

Smart Money says: Son, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your girlfriend knows that she doesn’t want to marry a virgin. I wouldn’t either. Sex is good. Get out there and do it. Become a master. Your body is a gift from God and it’s time for you to use it for the greater good. Find some nice lonely older ladies to help train you.

The Straight Skinny: I’d like to answer your question in the form of a parable. Actually, two parables.

1) There’s a 18-year-old girl standing on the side of US85 headed north and east, trying to hitch a ride to visit her high school sweetheart in Greenville, South Carolina. She’s filled with misgivings and Percodan: She’s going to break up with him. An awesome conversion van with a sunrise airbrushed on the side rolls up. The driver leans over and opens the passenger door. It’s a compassionate Jesus, who’s worried about both the girl and her soon-to-be ex.

“Get in the van,” he says, “Jesus needs some loving.”

There. God spoke to her again. Problem solved.

2. There’s an 18-year-old boy on a bus, headed to visit his high school sweetheart in Atlanta. He’s reading the Song of Solomon in a well-thumbed Bible, and thinking maybe the things she wants aren’t so wrong after all, and wonders if he can cross the bridge that she’s built between them and live on her side of it.

The bus stops at a light outside Piedmont, and in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart he spies an awesome conversion van with a sunrise airbrushed on the side. The rolling door is open, and he can see his girlfriend asleep in the arms of Jesus, whose gaze meets his and instantly imparts on him a terrible knowledge: Christ has risen, and Christ will rise again.

“Fuck this!” the boy cries, forcing his way off the bus and running for the sporting arms section of the Wal-Mart while Jesus smiles sleepily upon him, unconcerned. “God is dead!”

Ask Anyone is local advice for locals with problems. Send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.