HELL FOR THE HOLIDAYS

My partner’s family are terrible cooks. I mean awful. And they are terrible hosts. This is good for a laugh most of the year, but come the holidays, I get resentful. We have to split time with families, right? But my family makes lavish, beautiful spreads. They are fun hosts. My partner agrees: Holidays with my family are great, with his they’re depressing. What to do? (And before you suggest it: For a host of practical reasons, his family and mine are not going to spend the holidays together. And even if they did, his family would insist on hosting some of the time, which would only spread the agony around.)

—Beau Guest

The Straight Perspective: Ah, the exquisite agony of good food ruined. You didn’t say whether you’re a good cook yourself, but given your culinary snobbery, I’ll presume you are. So you ned to step up to the plate, or rather up to the stove, and start taking over cooking duties from her family. I’d suggest that you ease in, maybe by telling them that you find yourself terribly homesick for your family’s traditional sweet potato recipe. And then next time add their chestnut-infused stuffing. And your grandmother’s brussels sprouts, and your uncle’s famous horseradish-and-orange cranberry sauce, and your godmother’s onions stuffed with wild rice and dried apricots, and since it wouldn’t feel right without a bourbon pecan pie, you and your partner actually brought one.

Think of it as your charitable contribution to the holidays: You’re bringing a little joy into the blighted lives of folks who would otherwise have to do without.

And then get yourself over to your partner’s family, because things will still be nice the day after, and the leftovers will be great.

The Gay Perspective: Having been the gay uncle for all of my adult life, I have learned to navigate the holidays quite expertly. To begin, others may think you are obligated, but that’s their fantasy. You are free to do whatever you want for the holidays. One Christmas, when things got too frantic, my partner and I packed off for the tropics by ourselves. It was bliss. You need to look at your own variables and see how they can be reconfigured to work for you. I well recall the Christmas Eve when my new Sicilian sister-in-law actually cried into her hamburger because she did not understand that my WASP mother was gearing up for Christmas Day and that Christmas Eve would not feature anything special, much less a traditional seafood feast.

Okay—no-brainer number one—I always have Christmas Eve with my brother and his Sicilian wife. Thanksgiving, I won’t budge from my own house. If any relative cares to join me, they’re welcome. So far, not one has—they are all into their own children and family dramas; it is impossible to pin them down about the where and when of dinner, and travel during Thanksgiving is torturous, by land or air. Nobody else in the family wants to do it, so why should I? I never spend Christmas Day in a home with small children—the orgy of consumption is repellent and exhausting—and the kids never remember which gift is from you. Which brings me to my next point: There is no law that you have to celebrate the holiday on the exact date. You can have Christmas three times on three different days —if you show up with a piñata, kids will know it’s a holiday. Besides, an extra gift around Twelfth Night will be even more welcome and special, and that way, you can actually spend some sane time with people you love.

New Year’s Eve—off to my elderly parents. They appreciate my willingness to cook (and clean up), as well as the fact that I don’t care if they want to go to bed before midnight. (Actually, I wake my dad just before midnight; we play cribbage and he indulges in a forbidden bottle of Guinness while my mother sleeps; it’s become our secret tradition.) In your case, contributing some real food or other treats might actually be welcome. Let’s up the culinary ante here! You can politely decline any vegetable from a can or topped with toasted marshmallow. And as a holiday gift, you should give everybody a subscription to a lavish cooking magazine. For the truly holiday impaired, Martha Stewart Living is a definite help—I’m not kidding.

Finally, lighten up, would you? It’s the holidays, and with a little flexibility, you can influence a happier outcome for everyone.

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