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Ask Anyone

and the beat goes on...

Weddings are not much fun for me since I quit drinking. I’m not in AA or anything; I just quit because I thought I needed to. I don’t make a big deal of it and don’t want anyone else to either. Now I’ve got a big family wedding coming up, and everyone’s going to be drinking and pushing drinks on me. I don’t want to lie about not drinking but I don’t want to invite curiosity either. Part of me wishes I didn’t have to go, but I do. How do I handle it??

—Toungue-tied Teetotaller

The Practical Cogitator says: Beat them to the punch, you could be the one offering to get the drinks! that way you can get their drinks and order say... tonic water with a lime? or a soda water with a lemon? or Ice tea? or Cranberry Juice? you can still drink a beverage, and no-one has to know what’s in your drink. Or you could always try the “I’m on antibiotics” line... that’s a sure winner.

The Pathological Liar says: Make up a story, and make it entertaining. Here’s one I heard about once, submitted by an anonymous source:

“I am a male with interstitial cystitis. I’m currently taking the drug elmiron, which is great, because it means that I can now have an orgasm without experiencing severe burning pain in my nether-regions. Alcohol negates the effects of the medication, and greatly exacerbates my condition. If I drink before I have an orgasm, I’m more or less guaranteed a “flare up.” Even if I only have one or two drinks, it is still best for me to wait a day or so before having sex.”

Now, who’s gonna argue with that, at a wedding?

The Pathological Fan of Invented Statistics says: The antibiotics line works for one or two occasions, but it sounds like you’re looking for a more permanent solution to your problem, and if, as you say, you don’t want to invite curiosity, then it certainly won’t do to have people thinking you are constantly on antibiotics. Why not try something sensible and true: “No, thanks, I’m not drinking tonight, I’ve got to drive home.” You could go on to say something like, “You know, I read a statistic once that said that approximately 80% of drivers leaving any given wedding are legally impaired by the time they get in the car” (I dunno where that came from, but it sounds about right to me). Then you could add that you don’t want to contribute to those numbers. It will be a conversation piece and a subtle reprimand to all the would-be DWI-ers within earshot, perhaps subliminally encouraging other guests to go a little easier on the sauce. Who knows, you could even save a life.

Ruthless says: Who cares? It’s open bar, right? It’s not like anyone’s gonna insist on buying you a shot. Sounds like you are a real neurotic, paranoid, obsessive type. Sounds like you could use a drink.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: You quit drinking just because you thought you needed to? I find that fascinating. No “incident” prompted this? Like, say, waking up—as I once did—unclothed, swaying gently at the top of a Ferris Wheel using a Cuervo bottle as a pillow? Just “thought you needed to,” huh? Never came home knuckle-dragging drunk and hammered out an angry email to your boss, telling her her dire lack of common sense was only exceeded by her total lack of fashion sense? Didn’t do that, huh? I did. I still drink.

You say that part of you wishes you didn’t have to go. But what about that other part of you that just wants to drink a lot of wine and get in touch with the Greek god Dionysus. There’ll be plenty of times in life when you won’t drink, but come on...not at a wedding. Besides, you’ll be among family and friends. They won’t let you do anything too stupid. But wait...

It just occurs to me that you might in fact be the bride to be! Am I right? You can’t fool the doctor! That guy yo’re marrying is a jerk. Listen, let’s go out for some drinks before you go through with something you’ll really live to regret.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.

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