THE BRAND NAME GAME

I have a couple of friends who are expecting a baby. They’re very earthy, green-minded people. Everybody likes them but here’s the thing: They’ve decided that, boy or girl, the baby will be named “Coca-Cola.” When they’re not around, it’s a hot topic of conversation. People make all kinds of wisecracks, and it makes me ashamed that I too laugh at their choice of a name.

What’s worse? Naming your baby “Coca-Cola,” or being a judgmental busybody who wastes precious time by talking behind the backs of her friends?

—Peacenik

The Practical Cogitator says: I think your earthy green friends need a lesson in Earthy and Green. I might believe it might be more appropriate for them to name their child ‘Lemonade’ or ‘Wheatgrass’ or how about ‘Renewable Energy’... then you and your friends would have something to talk about: how the name will affect the child’s life, etc... Right now all you have to talk about is how your eco-friendly friends don’t seem to understand their own ideology.

The Sales Guy says: I really need to understand the thought process behind “very earthy green minded people” naming their child after a soft drink. Didn’t Seinfeld’s George Costansa come up with the name Soda ? Which, as goofy as that is, doesn’t have copyright infringement issues attached but has somewhat the same effervescence.

I guess if one were to go the commercial soft drink route name wise wouldn’t Tab or R.C. be less problematic schoolyard-bully wise? Either way you look at it , the kid’s parents need a slap.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: This very issue was recently decided by Swedish tax authorities in Stockholm, who did away with their decades-long ban on naming children after global brands like “Budweiser” and “Metallica.” As a result, children in Malmo can now be named “Burger King,” or “Dairy Queen.”

What may be even more fascinating is that the Swedes, for decades apparently, have been wanting to name their little blonde offspring things like “Volvo,” or “Xerox.”

Naming a child is one of those things that parents agonize over, as if they’re titling a work of art. It’s like they feel this name will either open or close doors as their child goes through life.Their concern is anchored in their own ego, because they sense that they themselves will be judged by society due to the names of their children. The harsh gossip you describe is evidence that this phenomenon does in fact exist.Show me the banker who will even consider naming his offspring something like “Moonbeam,” or “Dandelion.” “Daisy,” maybe, but never “Dandelion.”

And yet, how unlike a work of art is a living, breathing, thinking, feeling child? The Mona Lisa can’t change its name to Julie, but little Coca-Cola, once she grows and learns that she was named after a global corporate giant bent on destroying human health and the environment of the planet, can change her name to anything she wants.

In other words, let your friends do what they will—an odd name might make the kid tough, like the protagonist in Shel Silverstein’s song “A Boy Named Sue.”

It’s all good. I’ve made it this far with a name like Sigmund.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.