FIT TO BE TIED

Every time I go down Chippewa, I see a billboard for some kind of big fetish/bondage event that happened, like, three years ago. Shouldn’t people who advertise stuff like that on billboards have to take the ads down at some point?

In any case, the ad works: It makes me wish there was more of a fetish/bondage scene in Buffalo. Am I missing out on anything? Got any hints? Where can I meet someone who looks like the woman on that billboard?

—BDSM in Buffalo

The Practical Cogitator says: There ought to be a law that billboards come down after the event is over. Garage sale signs come down after the sale is over, and Christmas lights come down after Christmas is over. Who do you suppose should enforce this law? Maybe the City of Buffalo could ticket people for such offenses? After all, it would be easy to fine the billboard company, or the organizers of the event on the billboard. The city could ticket the house where the garage sale was, and the homes with lights up after New Years can all get summonses. This would be a great source of revenue for the city, or even the whole county…

Now, about the fetish scene in Buffalo: Keep reading Artvoice. Club Diablo had a fetish night last month. I heard it was a blast.

The Sales Guy says: The reason the advertisement has been up for so long might be twofold. First, it’s provocative, which obviously creates buzz and attention, as your letter seems to reflect.

Second as an advertising medium, billboards blow, and the company that rents the space probably needs filler to compensate for the lack of advertisers.

As far as your quest for the ultimate bondage babe, I can only say my hands are tied and it really beats the hell out of me…so to speak…

The Straight Talker says: The Practical Cogitator is correct: You’ve got the right newspaper in your hands if you’re looking for leather and chains. Why, turn one page back and you’ll find an advertisement for “Mistress Terror” and a call for “Kinky Couples.” Last week, on the facing page, a 23-year-old submissive male advertised for a dominant mistress. Maybe you’re looking for a man; maybe you’re the dominant one; maybe you like to watch women in lacy sandals crush insects under their heels. But these folks are gateways into the community you seek, so why not drop them an email or give them a call.

As for the billboard, I know the one you mean: She’s all in shiny leather, but she’s not exactly convincing. I mean, she’s not placing ads in the back of Artvoice to meet partners who are into horsewhips and humiliation. She’s not nervously poking through Craigslist looking for likeminded freaks. And that long-ago event? The people who attended that thing are to true fetishists as lawyers on brand-new Harleys are to the Hell’s Angels or the Pagans or any other mob of one-percenters. It’s offensive on that count alone.

The fact that it still hasn’t come down, three years after the party it advertised, well…let he without sin cast the first stone. I believe a mammoth image of former Bills kicker Steve Christie is still telling downtowners how much he loves Artvoice, and former Erie County Executive Joel Giambra still praises the paper to commuters on the 190. Someday the owners of those spaces will find some more current faces to plaster on the sides of their buildings. Sales guy is right: Billboards cost a fortune and don;t work as well as, say, an ad in a free weekly newspaper. Lamar Advertising owns most of the billboards in our region, and they charge thousands a month for a spot like that one. Given the economy, it’s going nowhere, unless you rent it out yourself.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: As far as billboards go, it’s really up to the billboard company to take them down when they sell the space to the next advertiser. I haven’t seen the billboard in question, but I doubt it’s owned by a reputable billboard company. Could it be that it’s just posted on a building? Years ago, Mail Pouch Chewing Tobacco used to pay farmers to paint ads on the sides of rural barns. The farmer got one side of his barn painted, and Mail Pouch got a huge advertisement for decades to come. Of course, chewing tobacco never required an “event” for practitioners to congregate. Unless you count baseball dugouts of the day.

But on to your second point, yes, you are missing out. And if you think I’m just going to tell you where you can meet women who look like the one on the billboard, you are sadly mistaken.

How’s that for torture, pal?

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.