buy my valentine

I read your Valentine’s Day issue last week and didn’t really like any of the Valentine’s gift suggestions you guys made. Care to try again?

—Impersonal Shopper

The Practical Cogitator says: Fifty pairs of pantyhose with no runs in them. Ten brand new white undershirts. One of Peter Fowler’s paintings of Obama’s dog. A trip to Paris. A trip to the Springville auction. A set of 12 white dinner napkins. A subscription to Harpers. A donation to the ACLU. A new set of headphones for the iPod. A bottle of great champagne. Tickets to the US Open. A rice cooker. An Endangered Species chocolate bar. The new-ish translation of War and Peace. Fifty crocus bulbs, planted once the ground softens.

And by the way, next time, get your own damn ideas. If you don’t even know what to give, you’re hardly in a position to complain.

The Straight Perspective says: If I were you—and I’m not, so who knows if this works—I’d buy 50 flares and arrange them in the shape of a heart outside your loved one’s window. Keep perspective in mind: It should look like a heart to her, standing in the in the window. Upside down to you.

stiff conscience

Two years ago I stiffed a guy for $20. There’s some gray area here—he was trying to make money off of some stuff he was selling me, his price was a little high, etc. But I don’t want to try to justify this: We agreed on a price, and I ended up leaving him $20 short. I gave him the cash I had and said I’d be back with the rest. I never came back.

Every once in a while, and more often lately, I feel bad about this. I have no idea how to find this guy again to give him the $20. How can I get over this guilt?

—Sleepless Cheapskate

The Sales Guy says: Well, it’s not a good thing to hear that you stiffed someone a couple years ago. But the problem you have doesn’t seem to to be all that difficult to solve. Look him up on the web, make a few phone calls to mutual acquaintances. If he’s still around town it shouldn’t be all that difficult.

If you can’t find the guy, oh well—at least you made a decent effort to do so, which might help with the guilt. If not, donate $20 to Hospice. It’s a great charity and you’ll be even on the conscience ledger.

The Practical Cogitator says: Out of luck, my friend. Sometimes we make mistakes and have to bear the guilt FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. Writing to this column does not expiate your sins; giving $20 to charity won’t help the man you bilked. All you can do is try to do better next time, and the time after that, and every time from now on.

That, or you can get one of the new plenary indulgances the Catholics are now offering. In which case, you can go steal $20 bucks every day.

The Procurer of Goods says: First, why all the mystery about what you were buying? When you say you were buying some “stuff” it sounds incriminating. Even if you were dealing in the black market, for the purpose of this anonymous question, why not just make something up? “I was buying some used speakers.” There. It’s that easy.

Secondly, judging by the crippling guilt that you feel over a $20 discrepancy from a few years back and the dense population of Irish, Polish, Italian, and German forbearers in this region, I am going to go ahead and assume that you are Catholic. You probably sat in church every Sunday growing up learning of the grim, inescapable fate that awaited you in the afterlife for your earthly wrongdoings. The priest would not skip any of the juicy details about the fire of lake that burns like no earthly fire, and in your soft, impressionable brain there were imbedded feelings of constant guilt that will likely be with you for the rest of your life.

My best advice is to try to ignore those little voices that remind you of all your misdeeds. And if you ever happen to see this guy again, give him $30, an extra $10 for his troubles.

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