wasted knights

I go out with a bunch of friends most weekends, and we usually close the bars down. The problem is one of my friends, “John”, gets wasted and will go home with any girl who seems willing. I am worried that he is going to get: a) rolled b) an STD or c) somebody pregnant. Any ideas on how I could say something without coming off like a jerk?

—Fuddy Buddy

The Impartial Observer says: I don’t see why you would be considered a jerk for bringing up your concerns. If he values your friendship, he should be grateful that you are trying to look out for him. Does he seem like he regrets any of these beer goggle conquests? Or does he brag about it?

Tell him you are concerned about how wasted he gets, and that you want to make sure he is careful to protect himself.

You can’t make him stop, but maybe by bringing it up he may reassess his destructive behavior.

Better that you say something before he gets into trouble or hurts himself.

At least you will know you tried to help...and won’t think “if only I tried....”

Ruthless says: Are you for real? You guys are guys. that’s what (some, at least) guys do. Or try to do. I thought guys were supposed to root for their guys in this situation. If you’re hanging out until 4am on a regular basis, what exactly are you looking for anyway? Are you perhaps hoping “John” will get stuck with you one night? Is that it? he does sound a bit defensively heterosexual, so maybe it’s in the cards. Honestly, if that’s not your true agenda here then I don’t get it. It’s like saying, “whenever there’s a football game on, he yells at the TV” or “whenever we have a poker game, he gets real competitive,” or “whenever we go out to a bar until 4 in the morning, he drinks a lot.” Or , and I must say it, “whenever we are at last call at the bar, he tries to get any willing girl to go home with him.”

A guy.

The Straight Skinny: How about: “Hey, ‘John.’ It’s really hard to watch you drunkenly stumbling off with women when we go out. I’m afraid you’re going to get a) rolled, b) an STD, or c) somebody pregnant. Are you watching out?”

God’s Gift to Women says: Look guys, we all hit the town with the same thing in mind. Can I help it if I suddenly become irresistable to women when I lose all inhibition? Maybe if you stopped worrying so much about me, you’d loosen up enough so that these uninhibited women would go home with you for a change. Then, you could focus your worry on yourselves—thinking that you might get a) rolled, b) grievously infected, c) sombody pregnant. That’s what I do. Why do you think I drink so damn much?

of lice and men

I live in an apartment complex, and I noticed my neighbors kids seem to be scratching their heads a lot lately. I’m not a doctor, but my cousins had lice when they were kids, and they were doing the same sort of thing.

The last thing I want is the galloping dandruff. Do I need to be worried about this? Should I say something to my neighbors? What do you think?

—Feeling louse-y

Fleabag says: Before you jump in and share your concerns with all your neighbors, take a second to imagine what it will be like if your instincts are wrong. What if it’s simply a new kind of shampoo that the kids are having an allergic reaction to? Or some new kind of laundry detergent? Think of how your neighbors will view you when the truth comes out. They’ll think you’re the sort of person who always imagines the worst. Worse than that, you run with your imagination and share it with others without even taking a moment to verify your hypothesis—damaging the reputation of this itchy family in the process. Besides, do you have any idea what it’s like being in love with a woman who insists on letting her three cats run all over the neighborhood without a flea collar, or any other form of protection against the little critters besides some sort of holistic incense she bought from a seventy-year-old nudist at Burning Man six years ago? It’s not funny!

The Practical Cogitator says: An ounce of prevention is worth a gallon of medicine, right? Or something like that. Here’s what I suggest: First, secure your perimeter. Close all your windows and caul them shut. You don’t want any nits blowing out the neighbor’s window and into yours. Next, seal with duct tape and plastic any shared air-conditioning or heating ducts. You’ll want to weather-strip your doors. Lastly, when traversing common areas—stairwells, hallways, atrium—I suggest you carry a spray pump filled with kerosene set at a fine mist, and be prepared to dose the kids if they come close enough that the little chiggers might jump from their scalps to yours.

Seriously, ease up, buddy. You’re not wrestling with these kids or sharing a couch with them. You’ll be fine. And in any case, what if they just have itchy heads? School health specialists look out for stuff like this nowadays. Let them take care of it and stop being so paranoid.

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