married to our convictions

I’m in a committed hetero relationship, and years ago my girlfriend said she’d never get married so long as gay couples could not marry legally. Fine by me—I don’t believe much in marriage anyway, and have always shared her opposition to institutional iniquities suffered by minority groups.

Last week, suddenly, she suggested we fly off to some city where the mayor is marrying same-sex couples and get hitched there. She was totally serious. Whoa, I thought, what’s this? I love you, baby, but we had a pact. I hesitated in replying, so now she thinks my commitment to her is insincere. And I wonder about her commitment to her core politics. Am I wrong?

—Backing Away Slowly

Ruthless says: Talk about a bait and switch! So there you’ve been all this time, basking in the security of the knowledge that not only does your S.O. not want to get married, she refuses to do so on ethical grounds. How nice for you. Tell me, is this one of the qualities that drew you to her in the first place? But wait, there’s always been a catch here: What if gay marriage becomes legal throughout the country? Did you ask her what would happen then, or did you just sit back and quietly applaud every time some Republican dashed the hopes of thousands of same-sex couples across the land? How disingenuous of you, to use our country’s bigoted and discriminatory system as protection against your own aversion to commitment. I’ll bet you get dragged off to California to join the happy newlyweds there during the biggest marriage month ever, shackled tightly to your very own ball and chain.

Roller Girl says: Well…are the commitments insincere? You could also explain that you’re not really interested in having a hasty wedding in another city, as that’s not really your style, and perhaps would prefer to, if incurring the expense of a wedding, wait until it is one that would be legally binding in your area as well. Oh wait, straight weddings are. Does that make your point?

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: The Notorious Cherry Bombs, a side-project fronted by country music stars Vince Gill and Rodney Crowell, released a humorous song called “It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long.” Your question made me think of one line from that song that asks, “If a tree fell in the forest and she didn’t hear it, would I still be wrong?”

Yes, my friend, you are wrong. You and I, along with billions of other men, wandering the face of the earth, confused by the puzzling spontaneity of the women we adore.

It is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. To question this truism is as pointless as trying to disprove the law of gravity. You say, “I don’t believe much in marriage anyway.” Well guess what? I don’t believe in Santa Claus, but I’m not gonna say that to a little girl who does.

No. You’re done for. Your one shot—and it’s a long shot—is to latch on to the idea wholeheartedly. You must expunge every last bit of your personality that might hint at your former bachelorhood. Greet her at home sipping chilled white wine with soda water. Put the seat down, for crying out loud. Go see Sex in the City with her in the theater, before it goes to DVD. Surprise her with some tickets to San Francisco. In short, destroy every aspect of the man she fell in love with.

Of course, she may love the new you. In which case, I don’t know what to tell you, man. I can’t figure them out, either.

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