rich man, poor man

Every presidential election it’s always the same. A bunch of lame-ass candidates from both major parties offering bold promises that will never be fulfilled. Why is it that every four years otherwise intelligent people get sucked into this b.s. and steer every pleasant conversation toward politics? They invariably want to know for whom I’m going to vote. I tell them I believe in the secret ballot. They look at me like I’m a terrorist.

Nothing of substance is going to change. This year they tell me Obama will make history as the first black President. Fine. Long overdue. Or, they say McCain will have the first woman as Vice President. Great. Also overdue.

Here’s what I want to know: When will we elect a poor man or woman president? Answer: Never. Leadership and power in America is a parlor game for the wealthy. Universal health care? Dream on. Force big oil to give back to the system that allowed them to become so rich? Screw you. The list goes on and on and on...

So why, experts, should us little men and women give any of these politicians our attention, much less our vote?.

—Bored Broke

Ruthless says: You want a poor person to be elected president? A terrible idea! As soon as said ‘poor person’ gets into the white house, he—or she—will no longer be poor. Don’t you know that the nouveau riche are the worst kind of people? Just look at the lottery winners. There’s a whole reality TV show devoted to the miseries of the newly wealthy via lottery: They can’t take it, they don’t know how to behave, they all become drug addicts, or kill someone, and end up dead or in jail. And they invariably spend all their money. Trust me, the first poor person elected president in this country is just an impeachment waiting to happen.

It might make for good reality TV, though.

The Practical Cogitator says: Parlor games are fun. All those games for the wealthy are fun. Ever play croquet? Charades? Six degrees of Kevin Bacon? What’s even better about parlor games and such is that, like voting, they’re free. The political process is one of the cheapest forms of entertainment we’ve got in this country—and this is the best year for it so far (in my lifetime at least: I hear Andrew Jackson had a real entertaining campaign.) So, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em—especially at no immediate cost to you. In this game, you pay later if you lose. And by not voting, my friend, you—and me, too—will definitely lose.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: What you’re asking for is a revolution. Our system of government was conceived, drafted, and implemented by the wealthy. Look at the calligraphy on the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. Those documents are beautiful to behold, but the majority of Americans at the time were illiterate. Now that a simple majority can read, they want to read People magazine.

I like to think of presidential elections as a scenario similar to drunks sitting in a Bowery bar placing bets on whose mug of beer that fly will land on first. The outcome is beyond their control, but differences of opinion are what make horse races, so they develop an interest in order to pass the pointless minutes.

It’s easy to be disheartened by campaigns, and I agree it’s unfortunate that nothing seems to change. I’ve seen friendships and families torn apart by this nonsense. But let me share a story with you...

It was the summer of 1992, and I was in love with a champion women’s barrel racer from San Antonio. She was also an accomplished flautist, and could quote Pablo Neruda to suit any situation. One night, as we were skinny dipping in Lake Travis near Austin, she asked me who I was voting for in the upcoming presidential election. I hadn’t thought about it much, but I lied and said I was leaning toward sometime-Texan George H.W. Bush. She got out of the water, wrapped a towel around her tanned, shimmering body, and began to cry.

Quickly, I changed my mind and said that I also liked Bill Clinton’s ideas. She picked up a bottle of Lone Star and threw it at me. Then she cried, “I couldn’t be with any man who doesn’t have sense enough to vote for Ross Perot!” She ran up the hill, jumped in the pickup, and I never saw her again. The memory still pierces my heart.

Even a revolution can’t restore the love I lost. So let the rich have what they have, and acquire what they will. Cherish those things they don’t recognize as valuable, because life’s just too short to do otherwise..

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.